I now present the highly-anticipated, exclusive, first-time interview with Portland’s oldest resident and coolest new Twitter personality, PortlandRain. (Pun highly intended. For background, see here and here.)
PortlandRain: Just doing my job. No one resents Sir David Attenborough for narrating the intricacies of the Bengal-Tiger’s mating rituals, so why me?
Me: You and PortlandSun seem to have a sort of a sibling rivalry going on – always trying to outshine each other (no pun intended). Which one of you is Jan Brady and which one is Marcia?
PortlandRain: I forgo sit-com comparisons altogether. I prefer to think of myself as the Lenny Bruce of weather. No one understands me today, but years from now you’ll thank my ground-breaking style. Without me, Portland would be dry and without its lush foliage. Stuff grows because I flow, you know?
Me: Which is your favorite: A busy winter season? Or a summer vacation during which you occasionally get to pop up and surprise people?
PortlandRain: I like the element of surprise that summertime brings. I wait until a weekend when everybody is outside having picnics or working on their tans at the river, then BAM. I roll out some clouds and go to town.
Me: What fun activities can Portlanders do to cheer themselves up during the rainy winter (other than to sit indoors and drown their tears in their beers)?
PortlandRain: They could collect me in buckets and mail me to places like Hawaii or Tanzania. I’ve always wanted to coat the jagged slopes of Kilimanjaro. Actually, they can do anything they want, as long as it doesn’t involve whining or karaoke.
Me: Can you reveal any of your plans for the upcoming winter? Anything we – the Red Cross or an average Portlander – should be prepared for?
PortlandRain: Y’all better get your galoshes and umbrellas ready, ’cause I’m gonna be high-steppin’. More like PortlandReign, you hear? There won’t be a dry eye in the house.